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Back To School: The Do’s and Don’ts of Flirting

23 August, 2022

FLIRTING.
This word may invoke feelings of giddy excitement or nervous trepidation, accompanied with profuse sweating. According to a study by Science Direct, “One of the most frequent reasons individuals give for being single is having poor flirting skills.” Wherever you fall on the spectrum of flirting-pro or flirting-no, Vella is here to help.

If you're thinking this is a trivial or juvenile practice, think again. The act of flirting is actually psychologically proven to benefit you and others. According to Very Well Mind, the art of sending covert or overt sexual signals has a direct influence on our mental health. Engaging in flirtation boosts the recipient’s confidence, increases self-esteem, reduces stress, and hones our communication and active listening skills. For these reasons, we are going back to school to relearn the do’s and don’ts of flirting. Class is now in session.

HOW TO BE A GOOD FLIRT

Whether you’re meeting someone for the first time, are in the wee small hours of a budding romance or find yourself in a long-term relationship, you need to incorporate flirting into your common practices. As Dr. Jennifer Verdolin, scientist and author of Wild Connection, says, “Flirting serves to establish a connection, it can also be critical to maintaining a relationship over time. Flirting lets us know we are (still) desired and attractive—and who better to do that than the partner you already have? So don’t stop flirting with your lover even after you've committed to each other.”

Are you ready to up your charm-game? Let’s look at these important tips for flirting successfully.   

“Flirting serves to establish a connection, it can also be critical to maintaining a relationship over time. Flirting lets us know we are (still) desired and attractive.” ~ Dr. Jennifer Verdolin

 

The DON’TS:

 
  • Talk Too Loudly (this is just annoying).
  • Stare Intensely For Too Long. Yes, have good eye contact, but you need to blink! Look away from time to time.
  • Bat Your Eyelashes. You’re not a cartoon character. (Okay, if it works on a comedic level with your partner, have at it.)
  • Use Degrading Pick-up Lines
  • Brag
  • Give Compliments That Aren’t Genuine
  • Use False Flirting. Don’t flirt to get yourself out of the “dog-house.” If you’ve screwed up, own it and apologize. Don’t try to smooth it over with flirting.
  • Berate or Belittle if you think your partner’s attempts at seduction are lame.
  • Be Afraid. Have courage in your sexual signaling. Cast negative thoughts aside and just have fun.

The DO’S:

  • Use Your Lips. Your mouth is associated with kissing. So bring attention to it by smiling, wetting them, or wearing lip gloss to draw attention.
  • Use Your Body. Sway your hips, keep your shoulders back, lean in, use sexy gestures (like running your fingers through your hair), and cross your legs (oops the skirt slipped up a little higher).
  • Lock Eyes, tilt your head to the side and then look away for a few moments, before returning your gaze to them.
  • Tease to Build Suspense (not to keep them dangling). Think of something the other person would love to know or have, and tease them a bit. Teasing is enticing because it produces the feeling of mystery.
  • Show Interest. When you are talking to someone, focus on them and don’t look around constantly. Nationally acclaimed sex blog called Slutty Girl Problems says, “Making others feel magnetic is the key to making yourself magnetic.”
  • Give Light Touches. You could graze their arm, brush a strand of hair from their cheek, touch their hand, or hold hands. (Note: do not use inappropriate touching, unless you’re both okay with it).
  • Pay Attention. Stay alert so you can detect and act on the signals being sent your way.

“Making others feel magnetic is the key to making yourself magnetic.” ~ Slutty Girl Problems (nationally acclaimed sex blog)

How to flirt with social anxiety

Even for people who are extremely shy or socially anxious, flirting doesn’t have to be off the table. There are simple cues you can give to impart your attraction without feeling uncomfortable or awkward.

  1. Take the pressure off yourself by using your body language. Keep your body open. Instead of crossing your arms, stand straight with your hands lightly at your sides or sit without hunching. Also, avoid nervous gestures like fidgeting or tapping.
  2. Be intentional in your pace of movement. When we feel anxious, we tend to walk and speak faster. Take a deep breath and slow down. You will appear more confident when you move at a controlled speed.
  3. Plan at least three questions before a date or evening out that you could ask the other person. Think of things that would get a conversation rolling and show you’re interested. For example: “Do you like to travel?”
  4. Put your focus on the other person, not on yourself. Make eye contact and listen to what they are saying. Instead of obsessing over what you’re going to say next or your nervousness, place your full attention on the other person. Take in what they are saying so you can A.) remember it and B.) respond accordingly.
  5. Compliment the other person.
  6. Avoid self-criticism or negative statements. You have something to offer. Express your positive qualities.
  7. And simply, smile.

“Even for people who are extremely shy or socially anxious, flirting doesn’t have to be off the table. There are simple cues you can give to impart your attraction without feeling uncomfortable or awkward.”

How to flirt over text

A key component of seduction in our digital age is flirting over text. The key to good text flirting is to keep it short and sweet. Rambling messages are not sexy and leave no mystery. A simple text is not only smoother, it also encourages some back and forth banter. When composing your messages, also remember to keep them lighthearted, complementary and playful.

Here are some ideas to get you going:

  • Miss me yet?
  • You. Me. Takeout. Tonight.
  • Hey, sexy.
  • I wish you were here next to me right now.
  • Hey! Stop thinking about me so much!
  • Missing your face. Send me a photo of it?
  • Watching a movie and the main character looks a lot like you… except, obviously, not nearly as cute.
  • I absolutely adore you.
  • All I’ve thought about all day is your mouth.
  • In the mood to have some fun?
  • You’re going to love the outfit I wear tonight.
  • Guess which emoji I put next to your name in my phone?
  • How am I supposed to be productive at work when my mind keeps wandering to our date the other night?
  • I can’t figure out why, but my thoughts are especially X-rated today. I think it’s your fault.
  • I love it when my roommate’s gone because I never have to wear clothes.

At the end of the day, flirting should be fun and exciting. As with anything, practice makes perfect. So, get to sending those sexy signals! Class is concluded. It’s time for you to go out and try what you’ve learned.

At the end of the day, flirting should be fun and exciting. As with anything, practice makes perfect. So, get to sending those sexy signals!

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