1. Don’t Make It A Big Deal
Talking about sex doesn’t have to be a big to-do. Much like how we discuss other aspects of everyday life–careers, finances, schedules—we need to get used to talking about sex. Sure it might feel awkward at first, but the more you practice open communication, the easier it will become. The goal is simply to get the convo started.
Some sex convo starters could be…
- What do you remember about the first time we had sex?
- What are three of your favorite things we do in the bedroom?
- What are some of your favorite places on your body to be touched or kissed during lovemaking?
- What would your ideal sexual experience be like?
- I’ve been thinking about our sex life. Would you be open to trying some new things?
- Recently, I read that couples do a thing called “sexpectations.” I thought that might be fun to talk about.
2. Pick The Right Time
Timing is everything. While this convo doesn’t have to be hyped up, it still needs to be given importance. If your partner is about to leave in 5 minutes for work, that’s not a good time to have any conversation, especially setting sexpectations. Bring it up when you’re both able to give each other undivided attention like at dinner, during a long car ride, or on a walk.
3. Share Sexual Needs
Sexual needs are the non-negotiables. Those are the things you have to have in a sexual encounter. When the needs aren’t met, the sexual experience will be lacking. Some sexual needs examples are mutual satisfaction, affirmation, physical connection, responsiveness, frequency, taking turns initiating, and romance. Give your partner examples of what you need and allow them to tell you their needs. Talk about your sexual appetite (how often), define what is and is not romantic, express what gives you each pleasure, work through sexual routines that are growing predictable or dull, and address emotional factors that are affecting your sexual wellness (illness, weight gain, mental health challenges).
4. Compliment First
Before you bring up any dislikes or things you want to change, compliment what you like first. “I really like it when…” After you tell them what you enjoy, then it’s okay to address things you would like to do differently or try. But make sure to keep your tone and words positive. Instead of saying, our sex life is boring, you could say, “I love when we have sex missionary style because I get to look into your eyes and kiss you. And you’re a great kisser. It really turns me on. You know what else I think could be fun—if we try out some new positions. Would you be up for that?”
5. Explain and Listen With Love