But then American Pie, a classic teenage comedy, broke ground with a word that casted mothers in a new light—MILF (Mom I’d Like To F**k). Mothers were finally being given the attribution of sexy. It confirmed what we already knew…the words sex and motherhood are not independent, they go hand in hand.
Since that MILF moment, society has swung back and forth on whether mothers can truly behave as sexual beings. In 2014, Kim Kardashian’s oiled-up, naked body went public in Paper magazine. The image went viral, creating a heated debate not because of her nudity but because she was now a mother. Bloggers and internet commentators criticized her for being a poor example to her daughter and ruining the sanctity of motherhood. Similar shaming has been thrown at celebrities like Beyoncé, Jennifer Lopez, and recently Rihanna as she’s posed pregnant in a line-up of sexy styles that critics labeled indecent.
“Wanting intimacy or finding time for intimacy as a mom can prove difficult. BUT we have some tips that just might help.”
It’s interesting how you don’t hear this kind of talk about celebrity fathers. They can have underwear ads, sex scenes, pose half dressed—and the world still swoons. According to psychotherapist and gender studies expert Kristen Martinez, “It boils down to the old Madonna/whore dichotomy. We haven’t gotten used to the idea that women post-motherhood still possess sexuality.”
Motherhood doesn’t render us unsexy, undesirable, or unattractive. While it is true that motherhood changes things, it doesn't mean you have to quench your femininity. Yes, motherhood does affect our bodies, our minds, our moods, and our personal time. Wanting intimacy or finding time for intimacy as a mom can prove difficult. BUT we have some tips that just might help. Let’s look at the good, the bad, and the surprises of how motherhood can influence your sex life.
“It boils down to the old Madonna/whore dichotomy. We haven’t gotten used to the idea that women post-motherhood still possess sexuality.” ~Kristen Martinez (Psychotherapist & Gender Studies Expert)
Giving birth to a child is no easy feat. Every mother should feel like a superhero–our bodies grew a human and then we pushed that human out. Can Superman do that? (Uh, no.) Our female bodies are incredible. Motherhood makes us aware of just how true that is. Sex can be a celebration of all your body has done and can do.
A common issue with sex after becoming a mom is finding the time to do it, although, that doesn’t have to be a negative. 83% of participants in a survey by Channel Mum stated that becoming a parent made them focus on the quality of the sex, not the quantity. This takes the pressure off. Instead of feeling guilty about fulfilling a certain sex quota, focus on making each sex session special.
Let’s not forget that orgasms are a mothers’ best friend. An orgasm can release stress, help you sleep better, enhance your mood, and reduce anxiety. New York psychiatrist, Alexandra Sacks, MD said, “Switching on circuits in your pleasure system from your ‘old life’ may help you feel more like your ‘old self’.” Switching on the sex circuit will help you reconnect to the sexual being you were and are.
“83% of survey participants stated that becoming a parent made them focus on the quality of the sex, not the quantity.”
Being a mom is an honor and joy, but some days aren’t filled with sunshine. Sometimes, the last word you want to hear is “Mom.” It seems like the moment your child can say this beloved title, it becomes their favorite phrase to beckon you for every little thing. Spills. “Mom!” Sibling Arguments. “Mom!” Hunger. “Mom!” After hearing it for the hundredth time in a day, you’re ready to hang up the mom hat, pour a glass of wine, and strip off your clothes to get into a hot bath–alone.
That’s a reality, and you don’t have to feel guilty about having bad days. It’s tough balancing it all, especially in the early years. Physical touch can become a point of tension when little ones need your body for breastfeeding and cuddles. By the time your partner wants to be sexually physical with you, you’re feeling a sensory overload. For nursing mothers specifically, breast tenderness or leaking can make bood fondling painful or uncomfortable.
No mother wants to feel like sex is another item on the day’s to-do list. Unfortunately, when children need so much time and energy during the day, by the end of the night, a partner asking for sex can feel obligatory. If you want to restore the romance and connection– it starts with good communication and laughter. Talk through the oddities, discomforts, and frustrations. Some convo starters could be:
- "My most exciting sexual moment with you was..."
- "The part of my body that I feel most self-conscious about is..."
- "My favorite part of making love to you is..."
Most importantly, laugh. Don’t take yourselves too seriously.
We’ve covered the good, the bad, but what about the surprises?
1. Scheduling sex is a good idea. Put it on the calendar! (Spontaneity is fun, but it’s not always practical). Make intimacy a priority like any other appointment you would keep. Even if sex is every Friday, it doesn’t mean it has to be at night. What about a morning quickie in the shower? What about an afternoon delight? The schedule says it’s happening, but you get to decide how, where, and what time.
2. Sexiness is a choice. What you think about yourself is the vibe you give off. “A mom can be unshowered and covered in baby food and STILL be sexy, if that's what she chooses.” You can own your curves, your confidence, and your pleasure. You choose it.
3. Mothers like sex! Scary Mommy conducted a recent survey on sex and motherhood and discovered that 76% of moms said their sex drive is stronger than their partners and 62% use sex toys.
“Sexiness is a choice. What you think about yourself is the vibe you give off. You can own your curves, your confidence, and your pleasure. You choose it.”
As you can see, motherhood is not the end of your sexuality. It’s only the beginning. Embrace your pleasure and be the MILF we know you are.
Happy Mother’s Day!