10 Questions Doctors Wished You’d Ask About Sex

Sexual health is a cornerstone of overall well-being, yet it’s often overlooked in routine medical care. Studies show that only about 8–15% of people in the United States have discussed a sexual concern with a healthcare provider in the past year, and that women are less likely than men to discuss persistent sexual problems with providers. Even among women managing serious health conditions, like cancer or HIV, only 23–47% had these discussions.

So why is it so uncommon for women to talk about sexual health? Research shows it’s a combination of medical gaslighting and cultural taboos. Many worry that their concerns won’t be taken seriously (and we can’t blame them). Some believe their issues aren’t “medical enough” to discuss, or they may have faced situations before where their worries were brushed off. Stigma around female sexual health also plays a huge role, and many women don’t feel comfortable talking about such intimate concerns with their doctor. 

Time constraints and a lack of privacy during consultations can make women feel that there’s no opportunity to discuss sensitive topics. Additionally, there’s often an expectation that healthcare providers will initiate these discussions. However, the reality is that many providers don’t bring up these subjects (especially conversations about sexual pleasure), leading to a stalemate where both patients and providers wait for the other to speak up. Unfortunately, this cycle can result in sexual health issues going unaddressed, despite their critical importance to quality of life.

Breaking that silence starts with asking questions. Your sexual health isn’t just about reproduction — it’s about intimacy, pleasure, emotional connection, and overall well-being. Here are 10 questions doctors wish more women would ask, and why you should ask.

“My libido has changed. Is this normal, and what can I do?”

Fluctuations in sex drive are completely normal. They can be influenced by hormonal changes, stress, fatigue, relationship dynamics, mental health, or even medications. However, a noticeable or persistent decrease in libido can signal underlying health issues or emotional concerns. 

“Desire naturally shifts across the lifespan and with hormonal changes, stress, or medical conditions,” says Dr. Heather Quaile, a double board-certified women’s health nurse practitioner and founder of the Sexual Health Optimization and Wellness (SHOW) Center. “Asking opens the door to discuss Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD), menopause, medications, and relationship factors. It helps normalize that fluctuating desire isn’t a personal failing.”

“Why is sex painful for me?”

Pain during sex, known as dyspareunia, is far more common than many realize, and it’s rarely just “in your head.” 

“Pain with sex is common but often goes unspoken due to shame,” explains Dr. Quaile. “This question allows discussion of conditions like GSM (genitourinary syndrome of menopause), pelvic floor dysfunction, endometriosis, or inadequate lubrication — all treatable issues.”

Bringing up painful sex with your doctor can make a big difference. Women who talk about sexual pain are more likely to be offered options like pelvic floor therapy, medication, or even surgery, depending on what’s going on. While treatments work differently for everyone, sharing your experience helps your provider tailor a plan to your needs. Just as important, it makes sure you and your doctor are on the same page about your goals, which often leads to better outcomes and greater satisfaction.

“What are some ways to boost sexual health and intimacy?”

Sexual health is more than just avoiding dysfunction — it’s about maximizing pleasure, connection, and satisfaction. Healthcare providers can suggest practical strategies, such as lifestyle changes, mindfulness exercises, pelvic floor therapy, or experimenting with different forms of intimacy. This conversation reframes sexual health as a positive, proactive part of life, rather than something only addressed when problems arise.

“How can I maintain a fulfilling sex life as my body changes with age?”

Aging brings changes in hormones, tissue elasticity, and overall energy levels. Menopause, childbirth, or chronic health conditions can also impact sexual response. However, sexual fulfillment is achievable at any age. Providers can help you understand normal changes, recommend treatments for dryness or hormonal shifts, and suggest techniques or positions that enhance comfort and pleasure. Asking this question normalizes the conversation and empowers women to adapt their sexual experiences to their evolving bodies.

“Could my medications be affecting my sex life?”

“SSRIs, antihypertensives, diabetes medications, and even weight-loss meds (like GLP-1s) can impact arousal, lubrication, and orgasm,” explains Dr. Quaile, but many women don’t realize these effects are common and treatable. 

Talking to your provider can help identify safer alternatives, adjust dosages, or explore supportive therapies — so managing one health issue doesn’t unintentionally create another. “Bringing it up shifts the focus to whole-person care and may allow safer alternatives and discussions.” 

“Should I still be expecting to enjoy sex?”

It’s common for women to feel that sexual pleasure might fade away as time goes by or after big life changes, but enjoying sex is entirely possible at any age. Various factors — like physical health, emotions, and relationships — can play a role, but you don't have to navigate this alone. 

Talking to your healthcare provider can really help. They can reassure you that your feelings and desires are completely normal and offer advice on how to tackle any challenges, whether it’s pain, stress, or hormonal shifts. 

“Are there underlying health issues affecting my sexual function?”

Persistent sexual difficulties can sometimes indicate broader health concerns. Conditions like diabetes, thyroid disorders, cardiovascular disease, hormonal imbalances, or neurological issues can affect arousal, lubrication, or orgasm. 

Asking your provider ensures a comprehensive evaluation and treatment plan, preventing sexual concerns from being ignored while addressing underlying medical conditions that may have a wider impact on your health.

“What resources or specialists are available if I need help?”

Sexual health may involve multiple areas of expertise, from gynecology to pelvic floor therapy to counseling. Knowing which specialists to consult and what resources are available empowers you to seek comprehensive care without feeling lost or embarrassed. Providers can also connect you to evidence-based guides, support groups, or therapy options that focus on both physical and emotional aspects of sexual health.

“How can I talk to my partner about what I need?”

Communication is a cornerstone of sexual satisfaction, yet many women feel unsure how to express their desires or boundaries. “Sexual health isn’t just physical — communication and intimacy are key. It is often hard to have these discussions, but they are necessary to feel your needs are being met. This opens the door for providers to give language, validation, and counseling strategies that support emotional as well as physical well-being,” explains Dr. Quaile. 

Providers can offer guidance on effective communication strategies, tips for opening difficult conversations, or referrals to sex therapists. Learning to clearly articulate needs and preferences not only improves sexual experiences but also strengthens emotional intimacy and trust in your relationship.

“Is my sexual health affecting my overall well-being?”

Sexual satisfaction is deeply intertwined with mental health, self-esteem, and relationship quality. Addressing sexual concerns isn’t “frivolous”, but rather a critical component of total health. Discussing this with your provider signals that sexual health matters to you, opening the door for a holistic care approach that considers emotional, relational, and physical factors, and helping you improve overall quality of life.

Tips for starting the conversation with your doctor

Starting the conversation is the first step to reclaiming your sexual health, but even with the best intentions, talking about sex can feel intimidating. Many women don’t know how to bring up the topic or which clinician is the right fit for discussing sexual health, especially since there isn't always a clear specialty for it. Here are practical ways to make it easier:

• Write it down: List your questions, symptoms, or concerns so you don’t forget anything in the moment.

• Be direct: You can start with, “I want to talk about my sexual health,” which signals the topic clearly. 

• Use descriptive language: Describe symptoms factually, like “I feel pain during intercourse” or “I’ve noticed my libido has dropped,” instead of vague statements.

• Bring a chaperone if helpful: Sometimes, including your partner or a trusted friend in the conversation can help clarify relationship-related concerns. If language is a barrier, bringing someone to help translate can help, too.

• Ask for privacy: If you’re worried about time or interruptions, ask to speak alone with your provider.

• Remember, it’s normal: Your provider has likely discussed these issues many times and is trained to handle them professionally.

• Follow-up: If the conversation wasn’t enough, schedule a dedicated appointment for sexual health. Sometimes it takes more than one discussion to address everything.

How do I know if I’m being medically gaslit about my sexual health?

Too often, women are told their symptoms are “normal,” “just aging,” or “in their head.” This can leave you doubting your own experiences. Medical gaslighting happens when real concerns are dismissed, minimized, or not investigated appropriately.

“If you’ve raised issues like pain, low desire, or dryness and your provider brushes them off without offering solutions or referrals, that’s a red flag,” says Dr. Quaile. “You deserve validation, a full evaluation, and a plan for care, and it might be time to search for another clinician.”

Asking this question not only calls out the issue but also invites your provider to reflect on their response and re-center the conversation around your lived experience. It shifts the dynamic from dismissal to dialogue.