Picture this: You’re in bed getting intimate with your partner, and everything feels great. You’re enjoying it. In fact, it feels reallllly great. Then, all of a sudden, you start thinking about something stressful that happened at work.
Wait…why am I not as into this anymore? Am I getting less wet? Can my partner tell I’m distracted? What if I can’t orgasm?
Now, you’re stuck in your head instead of in your body. The orgasm that felt within reach before now feels far away—and the harder you try to make it happen, the more elusive it becomes.
Sound familiar? If so, you’ve experienced the non-linear nature of arousal, which is more common than you think. Many women don’t experience a predictable desire-to-orgasm sequence.
Read on to learn more about why female arousal isn’t linear, what can put the brakes on your arousal, and how to work with your body instead of forcing it to follow a set path.
Why female arousal isn’t linear
Many women expect their arousal and sex to be linear, with desire kicking things off, arousal building, and orgasm serving as the natural end point—and they feel like they’re “broken” if it’s not.
Part of the reason many women think something is “wrong” with them is due to the traditional human sexual response cycle defined by famed sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson in 1966. This model outlined four distinct, linear stages: excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution.
However, for many people, the sexual response is not this simple. This model can make people expect their sexual response to be a predictable sequence with a clear beginning, middle, and end. Sure, this can be the reality for many women, but for others, it’s not.
You can view the non-linear nature of arousal as due to the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response, which proposes that excitatory and inhibitory processes influence the sexual response. You can think of excitatory processes as pushing the gas pedal and revving up arousal, whereas inhibitory processes act as a brake pedal, slowing down or halting arousal altogether.
“It's a constant flow between thinking about your foot on the gas and your foot on the brake. It's not linear; it's a combination of those two things,” says Dr. Nan Wise, neuroscientist and sex therapist. “It'll ebb and flow even during the course of a sexual escapade, or even with themselves masturbating.”
Factors that play into arousal and desire: What can make arousal move forward, backward, or pause?
Many factors can affect arousal. “Anything that gets in the way of your being able to be relaxed and present is going to be brake time, not accelerators,” Dr. Wise explains. Here are a few common reasons for your arousal pausing or moving backward.
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Mental distraction: If you’re distracted thinking about the laundry, something you’re upset about, or your work to-do list, you won’t be able to experience arousal or pleasure fully.
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Self-monitoring: “Monitoring ourselves is going to be a detrimental factor,” Dr. Wise says. Wondering if you’re wet enough, thinking about how your body looks in a certain position, and so on, can all take you out of the moment and cause you to feel less aroused.
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Discomfort or pain: This can result for a few reasons, such as if you aren’t wet enough or you’re not using sufficient lubricant, Dr. Wise says. Any discomfort or pain can (understandably) put the brakes on. Pelvic floor tension is another common cause of pain during sex.
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Lack of emotional intimacy: The presence (or lack thereof) of emotional intimacy can absolutely affect how turned on you get. “Insufficient emotional intimacy with the partner can really block the capacity to be feeling into the arousal space,” says Dr. Wise.
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Pressure to orgasm: Ironically, trying to make an orgasm happen can sometimes become one of the biggest factors getting in the way of it. When you want to orgasm so badly, you may be so focused on that, that you aren’t truly experiencing the sensations your body’s feeling.
Distinguishing arousal from desire
When discussing arousal, it’s also important to distinguish between arousal and desire—because they are not the same thing.
“Desire is the motivational sense for wanting to have sex. You're horny and you know it. You're feeling it,” Dr. Nan explains. “Arousal is the physiological response. So arousal is the body-mind's activated response to stimuli.” This physiological response includes blood flowing to your genitals, your clitoris engorging, and getting wet.
For some women, desire comes first, and arousal follows (known as spontaneous desire), while for others, arousal comes first and then desire follows (known as responsive desire). It can also change from sexual experience to sexual experience. There is no one “right” way.
You might experience either of these situations: “I mentally wanted sex but wasn’t immediately turned on physically” or “I got turned on physically without initially wanting sex.” Both are normal.
This is another reason it can help to think of arousal as non-linear. Your desire may not perfectly line up with your physical arousal at every point in a sexual experience, and that’s okay. You might start with desire, become physically aroused, lose some of that arousal when your mind wanders, and then become aroused again. Or, you might not feel particularly interested in sex at first but become more interested as you begin engaging in pleasurable stimulation. Again, all of this is normal.
Why understanding nonlinear arousal matters
Knowing that arousal can ebb and flow can take some of the pressure off. “Worrying about your arousal not following a predictable pattern is the problem. Having an unpredictable pattern is not a problem. It's just the norm,” says Dr. Wise.
Once you know that this is normal, you may be less likely to interpret a temporary dip in arousal as a sign that something is wrong with you, your relationship, or your ability to experience pleasure. That change in mindset alone may help you continue to feel more and more aroused.
Think of arousal as something that can change in response to what’s happening around you and inside of you. Remembering that arousal fluctuates naturally, you can give yourself more room to simply enjoy the sexual experience rather than worrying if you’re progressing through a set stage of phases “correctly.”
How to work with your arousal instead of forcing it
Now that you understand that nonlinear arousal is totally normal, especially in women, it’s time to work with it.
Here are a few pointers:
Learn to ride the wave
Expect that there might be some waxing and waning of arousal during any sexual experience. Dr. Wise suggests learning to ride the wave of sensations, knowing there may be ups and downs. Just enjoy the ride!
Get curious about what pushes your brakes
Use this as a learning experience. Dr. Wise suggests leaning in and getting curious. “Instead of asking ‘What’s wrong with me?’ you can say, ‘What’s turning my brakes on? Is there something on my mind? What’s going on in my body? What’s my emotional weather?’” she says. “Let it be information rather than pathology.”
Get curious about what really gets you going
More fun than learning what pushes your brakes is learning what pushes the accelerator pedal for you. This includes trying new things to see what’s most arousing for you, whether that's new sex positions, fingering techniques, sex toys, dirty talk, or taking a lot more time to engage in foreplay. Trying new things can open up new windows to pleasure.
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself
Sex doesn’t have to go a specific way or have a specific “destination.” As long as you’re enjoying yourself, that’s what matters. Not every sexual experience (partnered or solo) is going to be perfect, and that’s okay. Allow yourself to pause, change things up, or stop altogether if you really aren’t feeling it.
De-center orgasm
In Dr. Wise’s clever words: “A watched orgasm never boils.” Too much emphasis on orgasm can turn pleasure into a performance, making you focus more on whether you’re going to come than on what you’re actually feeling. Ultimately, this takes you out of your body into your head.
Tune into your breath
One simple way to come into your body is to tune into your breath and try some mindfulness. “If you're feeling distracted or feeling a diminishment of your pleasure while you're making love, you can bring yourself back to the moment by breathing,” Dr. Wise says. “Breathing the energy in, and then exhaling…just shifting out of where your mind is going off.”
Use lube
If dryness or too much friction slows you down or feels like you're pressing the brake pedal, a simple fix is to use lube. You can try Vella’s Everslide, which is a scentless, tasteless, silicone-based lubricant. This way, you’ll feel more glide, less friction, and more pleasure.
Try products to boost arousal
Some products can enhance your body’s arousal. For example, Vella’s Pleasurewave Arousal Lotion supports natural lubrication production and enhances sensation.
Communicate
Communication is key for good sex. Let your partner know what you’ve learned from this blog, about how arousal isn’t linear, and tell them when something's pushing your brakes. Opening up this dialogue with your partner will help you have better sex.
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Ultimately, there’s no single right way to experience arousal. The more you understand your own accelerators and brakes, the easier it can be to work with your body—not against it. Once you truly accept this, pleasure will follow.
