10 Questions to Deepen Intimacy

Intimacy and sex go together like milk and honey. You don't need one the have the other but when you have both it can be meteoric. Intimacy means deeply knowing another person and having them deeply know you.

But here's the rub: in an era when quarantines and social distancing have put the squeeze on intimacy, how do we get close? And what about long-distance relationships? You get a little creative is the short answer.

"Connection is the energy created between people when they feel seen, heard and valued — when they can give and receive without judgment." – Brené Brown

When Intimacy Is Easy

In the early stages of dating, you can't keep your hands off each other. That physical intimacy is fun but it only takes you so far. Emotional intimacy allows you to connect with your partner through actions that express feelings and show your vulnerability. Emotional intimacy is why you feel secure —or not secure in a relationship. Both types of intimacy form connection.

Spending quality time together. Listening. Paying attention to your partner's needs. Sharing deeply personal information. Having mind-blowing sex.

A study in the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found that couples reported greater emotional connections when they felt sexually satisfied. Further proof that physical and emotional intimacy are intrinsically linked. Taking the time to learn what a partner wants and expressing your own needs can lead to amazing emotional connections in and out of the bedroom.

The Power of Listening

A biggie is the listening piece. The goal is listening to understand. Understanding where your partner is coming from builds respect in a relationship. Respect is a cornerstone of intimacy. So is trust. Eye contact when you talk also helps create a bond with your partner, particularly when discussing personal topics such as needs, feelings and experiences.

Taking time to ask intimate questions that bring you and your partner to a deeper level of connection is the definition of #relationshipgoals.

You can set the table for talking about personal business by choosing intimate moments to ask questions. Such as, before or after sex, maybe while giving your partner a massage or as he or she is soaping up your back in the tub — even a sexy truth or dare while you're on a Zoom call works for long distance relationships. It should feel organic and honest is the main thing.

Now, let's get to the 10 questions to ask a partner for deeper connections:

1. When do you feel close to me?
2. How did you feel the first time we made love?
3. What food would be fun to play with during sex?
4. What spontaneous place would you like to have sex?
5. If you could only use your hands on me, what would you do?
6. What is your favorite thing I do in the bedroom?
7. When do you feel most loved and appreciated?
8. What is a romantic fantasy of yours?
9. If you had a sexual super power, what would it be?
10. What would you like more of in our relationship?

When you're finished asking questions, lock eyes with your partner and hold a steady gaze for as long as you can. This Japanese study found that eye contact activates the part of our brain that enables empathy. As they say, the eyes are the window to the soul.